“I will bless the Lord, who has given me counsel. My heart instructs me in the night seasons.” Ps. 16:7
I lay here, in rest and recovery from external inflicted injuries on my knees tonight, but am amazed at the mirror it is to my internal wounded spirit currently. Physical surgeries seem to mimic and motion that of heart surgeries lately. He is sweet to depict things for me visibly. The Grand Healer touched my torn temple and the Grand Weaver stroked my desperate soul simultaneously this evening. A sleepy wound was just aroused in my heart through my mind’s eye view. “Accidently” seen and entertained pictures of his happiness sparked buried memories that reminded me of my lack, stealing my joy almost in a second. Viewing pictures of my past love and his present one sends my heart into haunting nostalgia. These identical cries again remind me of my longing and the gaping hole he left behind. Why me? My finger is empty and my heart is porous. She wears what I once did and has what I once had.
However, rebuking lie and demanding truth in the inner parts, I lifted my eyes though they were heavy. I longed to destroy every speculation that raised itself against the knowledge of You and our union. Though I shed familiar tears last night, He wiped them away with familiar Hands. I knew He heard me. My prayer was “Rescue me from the pending questions and “what ifs” I so easily ask, for they are merely wasteful speculations that accomplish nothing but theft. They steal all that I know to be true.” So I begged and pleaded all in a moment’s notice for Him to take captivate my thoughts on truth in obedience to Himself. “Destroy all that rises against You, against us, my God. Put my mind in prison to you that it might know freedom from him”, I internally screamed. At those crossroads of “remember when” or “praising now”, I turned to Jesus in Praise, anyway. With little spirituality and no magic phrasing, I simply called upon the only name I knew, asking for revelation in power, in prose, and in presence. Not only did I call, but I opened all that I have ever known as a vault of safety and balm, the Word. Then to my devotional books, which have become a refuge to me in ache, I escaped.
This is the small account of His response to my impulsive reaction. He has a way of turning my winter into spring with one word in one minute. He could and can take the empty tomb of love and roll away the stone, raising it from the dead. Only He can make a beautiful picture out of my broken pieces. “My love story is the hinge on which my ministry will turn”- famous quote at age16 that has marked this 10 year journey thus far. Little did I know the stringent prophecy that innocent proclamation embodied. Neither this hinge would I have secured or this story would I have written. But, It is a story without a conclusion as of yet… it is one with continuation still. It seems to be a continuation of the same theme… But God! Those two words usher in a semi-comfort… But God responded.
In this state of semi-comfort, the head phones went in and my heart escaped upward to the music that sung over me. He quieted me with His love. Jason Upton’s words soothed me and sent me high above my chair. “Call to Me, My beloved, come up here to Me…” Then my mind recalled a previous Word spoken to me through I Pet 5:9-10. This verse beautifully haunted me again from the summer of 2005 when tears were first bottled over this love loss. Here I am four years later… so the same and oh so different. “Perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish” after suffering for a little while is the premise. My “WHILE” seems longer than a little, but I trust you now in the midst of heart ache and brokenness knowing that You are the Grand Weaver. You have penned and woven this. I looked up to my Lord. ‘Please kindle this suffering of a broken heart and ending love into that of a flame that it might perfect me through love, confirm in love, strengthen me for love, and establish me to love.’ LOVE! That theme, oh that theme! It is the signature that is signed on every scar and every crown I bare. It has brought such defeat yet victory in my life. Another song rang into my ears at that moment “I was made to love and be loved by You.” Wow! How perfectly timed He spoke and sung to me. His word came alive again “… for the Lord will be your everlasting light and the days of your mourning will be ended.” Another translation said “your God will be your beauty… the days of your mourning will be finished”. YES!
That word, Finished [Shalam] meaning to be whole, sound, safe, to be complete, and to be restored. It is an attitude of the heart with the principal meaning of completion and fulfillment. It is the desirable state of wholeness in which relationships ( of love) are restored. WOW! That was my groaning. He said it better than I could. ‘Thank you for interceding for and through me with words beyond my own comprehension through that of Your Word’. I claimed that Word and Hope and Promise. I clung tight to Him! As you read this, cling tight even now while He might be found. Wherever you are in your thought life, cling tight to the confidence that you have in Him. My mind then wondered from pity to pastures as I thought on Ps 23. The Lord is my Shepherd, I will not want. He restores/finishes my soul!
The night season with Him was coming to an end, for sleep was creeping upon me, when I read Ez. 34:16 “ I will seek what was lost (companionship) and bring back what was driven away (marital love), bind up the broken (the body) and strengthen what was sick (my faith).” I claimed that promise over every area parenthetically. He is the Grand Weaver, not a Waster. He does not waste but recycles all wounds of death into wombs of life. My tomb became a womb last night and hope was resurrected for what I again believe by faith through the act of Praise. Numbers 21:17 “Spring up O well, sing unto it”. Praise is the gateway to blessing despite feeling or sight. Praise unleashes faith! I praised Him anyway. I praised Him for that him and that union excluding me. I praised Him for my coming him and that I was not taken. With ache but genuine praise, I appreciated not being chosen or given away YET. The only Him in my life rode into the room for certain rescue! Praise never loses its savory affect on pain. It sweetens it in the stillness of starlight. Praise still opens fountains in the desert of barrenness. The Barren land of Longing was and will be turned into fields of Fruited Harvest because of the Living waters rushing through her. Rivers of blessing have flowed throughout this entire life and story of mine. I must dig deep into my abandoned but awakened heart and find the river flowing beneath. A river of faithfulness and hope and plans beyond that of my own making rush fast by me as I recount the Truth! “No eye has seen or ear heard all that You have in store, laid up for me, who love You.” My shovel to dig down into the depths of my shaking heart is that of Praise! I thanked Him anyway. Trails are blessings in disguise.
The lullaby hushing me to sleep was, “Sarah, are you willing and daring to praise Me in advance for the things that have not yet come and for the things that have passed? You have been passed over not passed by. Praise Me now for your faceless nameless but existing husband. Praise Me now for the previous and present journey, for it IS GOING SOMEWHERE. Praise Me that there are no “dead ends” where I drive. All can be and will be resurrected. Praise Me in the sweetness of this starlight tonight! When I was with my Daddy my innocence was restored and only sweetness lingered in every gaping but closing hole.
For truly He instructed me in the night season and laid me to rest with speculations crucified and hopes resurrected…
Thank you for my physical ailments that paved the way for my spiritual alignments tonight!
There is a divine imagination, give it wings for its needing aviation.
Every little hope I’m holding inside, in Him tonight I sweetly confide.
In my eye He has given a gleam, for He’s birthed my dream.
Before seeds become fruit there was planted vision. The planting now beckons the shower of His wisdom.
I’ve waited, I’ve prayed, I’ve dreamed up to the sky, now my soul begins to fly…
My dark season’s night is met now with His sweetness in starlight.
He’ll tear down the walls, walk where I cannot, roll away the stones, and untie every painful knot.
I know the dream will fly with wings beyond imagination for He is the fueling aviation.
Listening to His voice, sparks ignite; letting Him remove my weakness, replacing it with might.
My dark season’s night is met now with His sweetness in starlight.
Now my spirit is lifted high, for the gleam has returned in my eye.
My soul ascends on the wings of our dream and begins to fly.