Monday, July 02, 2007

Unexpected Turns...


It has been a while since I have written. So, I thought it was time and wise to write once again. Well, it has been a packed and very busy last few months. I have spent much time with friends, rehabbing my knee, hosting house guests, bible studies, attending weddings, sitting at my desk, traveling to Atlanta, planning parties for work, and organizing the rest of the summer schedule. My job is dull at the moment but where I need to be during this season. I am just merely grateful for insurance and benefits! My knee is doing better and better with time and training. I am exercising regulating and working hard to build all my muscles back. Thanks for your concern and prayers about my knee and health.

On a more specific relational note, I have been submerged in the Word and in the counsel of many dear friends and mentors for the last week and half. Ps. 56:8 says that the Lord bottles all our tears. He has definitely brought and bottled my tears as of late. He wounds but He heals says Hos. 6. Right now, my heart is truly writing from a place of progressive healing and with a smile and strength as mentioned in Prv.31:25. Rob drove up from the beach on Sunday June 24 and ended everything in our relationship. He said that over time he really felt that we were not heading in the same direction. I cannot begin to tell you the love and respect I have for him as my best friend. He was honoring, sincere, humble, and sympathetic. We shared tears and hugs for a while. I was in complete submission and agreement with him and Him that day! We prayed together through the scriptures verses in Daily Light that day that were literally penned for us! They were amazing. God truly was making this decision, not Rob and not I. Listen to the verses we both had read that morning before we met and notice the fingerprints of Divine activity even over this very difficult turn in our journey:

“The Ark of the covenant of the Lord went before them searching out a resting place for them. My times are in Your hand. He will choose our inheritance for us. Lead me O Lord in your righteousness and make Your way straight before my face. Commit your way to the Lord, trust ALSO in Him, and He shall bring IT to pass. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. Your ears will hear a word behind you saying, ‘ this is the way walk in it’ whenever you TURN to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads be beside the still waters. As a father pities his children so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. Cast all your care upon Him for He cares for you. He led them forth by the right way…”

AMAZING and ALIVE were those words to us that day as we wept and prayed and held one another! Wow… God truly has brought comfort to me as I have read these countless times now. Rest was lacking in my heart for a while concerning marriage. I had tastes of Rest but not feasts of Rest about Rob as my One. The Lord is searching out and was then a resting place for me that would be consistent and complete and certain. My times and Rob’s times and our directions are in His hands, not our own. Rob did not choose this journey or this future, He did. Our inheritance and what is eventually to come is His doing and of His choosing. Painful yet powerful. Terrifying but True. Fearful but Freeing…. My future is the Lords to direct and plan not mine to dictate and pursue. You have no idea how hard it is to write that and harder even to realize that and behave in a way that shows I believe that! He promises to teach me His ways and to lead me in the straight pathway. He promises me to show me the direction and then to walk it for me! Rob and I did commit each other and our relationship from the very beginning to the Lord and His glory… however trusting in Him ALSO is in addition to that. I can honestly say that neither one of us completely and securely leaned and trusted upon the Lord. Rob was trying to lead and love and I was trying to submit and surrender to him. It was us trying and us changing and us making things happen... verses living out the realities of grace to one another, because He is in control. He will be the only reason we live, love, respect, surrender, and submit one day to someone. It is a supernatural work of the Spirit not a great human intention of our hearts…. I am praying this way now and asking forgiveness of the Lord for being so full of fear of man, self efforts, arrogance, defensiveness, and bold strength instead of vulnerable strength.

We heard the voice of the Lord in our hearts that day saying THIS IS THE WAY WALK IN IT, even through hand holds and tears, we heard Him communicate that. Oh the pain was ever present with His voice though. There have been many turns in my journey and honestly more turns than straights…. But I must continue to believe Him and trust Him for my future and from my past. He holds both just as real as He holds my present. I cannot focus on my future or ponder my past patterns. I want to learn His lessons and leverage all this for His greater purpose. He is my Shepherd and Rob’s. We are being lead now to places of stillness and resting pastures, though we are separate and single. Rob is sitting and basking in His pasture as am I. I do not want and have confessed any and all self pity… I want the Lord’s pity! I long to fear Him more than image, man, or marriage… and He pities those who fear Him. Fearing the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom… Oh wisdom and discernment was granted that day and needs to be allotted still! I am frail and weary. I am tired and broken. I am hurting and stilled. I am humbled and needy. I am dust. He knows my frame and knows I am nothing but dust. He knows who I need and what I need and when I need it. He knows the sanctification and purification that is taking place and has long needed to in this little girl. Jesus knows I need “all these things” and only He can be the source of those things to me. I am casting my cares and questions upon Him… literally moment by moment… because like Peter said in John, “Lord, to whom else do I have to go?”. There is no other option for me than to run towards and cry on my Father. I cherish and respect Rob’s obedience in driving and saying all he did. I love him dearly. Pray for him. Pray for me. Pray for “us”. He is still one of my best friends, even though we are not sure how that will play out and what that can look like right now.

Pray against loneliness but not against pain. Pray against self pity but not against facing self purging. Pray against despair but not against disappointments. Pray against mental battles and questions but not against memories. Pray for truth to wash me. Pray for wholeness to find me. Pray for continued clothing of strength and dignity as Prov. 31:25 states. I long to laugh and smile at my future… not plan it or fear it. Only a woman that is secure in His love and His plans can let go of all she dreams and all loves and laugh at her future! “For I know the plans I have for you Sarah…declares my Lord.” Thank you for lifting me up and using your mustard seeds of faith to move the mountain ranges of emotions and tribulations ahead. To God be the glory great things He has done and will do and is doing!!!!

I do believe Lord, Help my unbelief! Mark 9:24

“I was brought low and He saved me. Thus far the Lord has helped me.” Blessed be name of the Lord, You give and take away but my heart will choose to say AGAIN blessed be name of the Lord. It is not about my name now or what my married name may be… it never was supposed to be about that.. it has always been about blessing His name. Oh that His name would mean more to me than a diamond ring and a new last name. Please Lord make your name worth more than anything.” He has heard the voice of my supplications as I have cried and meditated upon my bed! The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song (even sacrifices of praise) I will yet Praise Him!!!!” PS. 116:6; Ps.28:6

He Himself is my Peace. Eph 2:14

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