Fear of From

My heart awakened to a truth last night as I thumbed the pages of journals past and scriptures present. My journals from seasons of old can sometimes invite me to fear what was then and to wonder about what is now. However, The scripture invites and enables and demands that we "take all thoughts captive unto the obedience of Christ". (II Cor) What do "captivated thoughts" resemble? The thoughts of our past, holding fast to the fact that Christ works all things to the good of those who love. (Rom 8) The thoughts of our currency, that Christ is with us now and will never abandon His abiding presence in us. (Jh 15) The thoughts of our future, clinging to our unchanging God who states with His charcater and supplies in our circumstances, a "future and a hope without harm". (Jer 29)
However, the battle of the mind that can rage, keeps us from this very state of peace, if it goes undefeated. The enemy's weapon is that of fear. Fear is the disabler of such a blissful state of thought. The fear of where we come from can be paralyzing if allowed to captivate our thoughts! Fear is the grand stealer of the moments' beauty and the futures' joys. It is the signature of the enemy that longs to erase the fingerprints of the Father.
Sometimes, it is beyond simple to fear the previous chapters of my story and therefore fear the coming ones. In doing so, I allow fear of ifs to rob me the truths of Him! Fear is underestimated as only an action, but it can be a powerful state of mind that stands in complete opposition against our Lord. The "innocent" first entertainment of fear on where I have come from, can before long, spiral into a way of relating to God and others. How can anyone recieve my broken story? How could God's goodness allow such a wrecked image? It removes the knowledge and proven experience of His character and it mars the view of love and community. Fear makes it possible and probable to stand with closed arms and questioning eyes at the stories and "baggage" of those we rub hearts with throughout life's journey. How can I accept their brokenness (yet expect then to carry mine)? How can I open up and recieve their apparent abrasions (but long for them to heal my hidden holes)? Fear is the grand stealer of God's artwork in our life story and community with other life stories.
We are all broken and have all " come from" something or someone, but we are all going towards Someone as well. That is the common denominator known as Hope. It is this hope found in Phil 3:12-14 that has raptured my heart recently. The hope that invites me to "forget", not fear, what lies behind, and move forward to all that lies ahead! The only way this Hope is possible and present to me, is if I reckon that my only Hope is Christ IN ME ALONE! (Col 1)He was in my past. He is in my moment. He will be my future. Wow! This state of mind leaves no room for fear or regret, because everything works for the good of those who truly love Him with all their heart, their mind, their strength or lack therefore, and their soul! Let us not fear the from where we come but anticipate toward the ahead where we are going; or should I say where He is taking us! To God be all the glory for the past, the present and the future! Amen...

Unexpected Turns...

Hey…

It has been a while since I have written. So, I thought it was time and wise to write once again. Well, it has been a packed and very busy last few months. I have spent much time with friends, rehabbing my knee, hosting house guests, bible studies, attending weddings, sitting at my desk, traveling to Atlanta, planning parties for work, and organizing the rest of the summer schedule. My job is dull at the moment but where I need to be during this season. I am just merely grateful for insurance and benefits! My knee is doing better and better with time and training. I am exercising regulating and working hard to build all my muscles back. Thanks for your concern and prayers about my knee and health.

On a more specific relational note, I have been submerged in the Word and in the counsel of many dear friends and mentors for the last week and half. Ps. 56:8 says that the Lord bottles all our tears. He has definitely brought and bottled my tears as of late. He wounds but He heals says Hos. 6. Right now, my heart is truly writing from a place of progressive healing and with a smile and strength as mentioned in Prv.31:25. Rob drove up from the beach on Sunday June 24 and ended everything in our relationship. He said that over time he really felt that we were not heading in the same direction. I cannot begin to tell you the love and respect I have for him as my best friend. He was honoring, sincere, humble, and sympathetic. We shared tears and hugs for a while. I was in complete submission and agreement with him and Him that day! We prayed together through the scriptures verses in Daily Light that day that were literally penned for us! They were amazing. God truly was making this decision, not Rob and not I. Listen to the verses we both had read that morning before we met and notice the fingerprints of Divine activity even over this very difficult turn in our journey:

“The Ark of the covenant of the Lord went before them searching out a resting place for them. My times are in Your hand. He will choose our inheritance for us. Lead me O Lord in your righteousness and make Your way straight before my face. Commit your way to the Lord, trust ALSO in Him, and He shall bring IT to pass. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths. Your ears will hear a word behind you saying, ‘ this is the way walk in it’ whenever you TURN to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads be beside the still waters. As a father pities his children so the Lord pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust. Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. Cast all your care upon Him for He cares for you. He led them forth by the right way…”

AMAZING and ALIVE were those words to us that day as we wept and prayed and held one another! Wow… God truly has brought comfort to me as I have read these countless times now. Rest was lacking in my heart for a while concerning marriage. I had tastes of Rest but not feasts of Rest about Rob as my One. The Lord is searching out and was then a resting place for me that would be consistent and complete and certain. My times and Rob’s times and our directions are in His hands, not our own. Rob did not choose this journey or this future, He did. Our inheritance and what is eventually to come is His doing and of His choosing. Painful yet powerful. Terrifying but True. Fearful but Freeing…. My future is the Lords to direct and plan not mine to dictate and pursue. You have no idea how hard it is to write that and harder even to realize that and behave in a way that shows I believe that! He promises to teach me His ways and to lead me in the straight pathway. He promises me to show me the direction and then to walk it for me! Rob and I did commit each other and our relationship from the very beginning to the Lord and His glory… however trusting in Him ALSO is in addition to that. I can honestly say that neither one of us completely and securely leaned and trusted upon the Lord. Rob was trying to lead and love and I was trying to submit and surrender to him. It was us trying and us changing and us making things happen... verses living out the realities of grace to one another, because He is in control. He will be the only reason we live, love, respect, surrender, and submit one day to someone. It is a supernatural work of the Spirit not a great human intention of our hearts…. I am praying this way now and asking forgiveness of the Lord for being so full of fear of man, self efforts, arrogance, defensiveness, and bold strength instead of vulnerable strength.

We heard the voice of the Lord in our hearts that day saying THIS IS THE WAY WALK IN IT, even through hand holds and tears, we heard Him communicate that. Oh the pain was ever present with His voice though. There have been many turns in my journey and honestly more turns than straights…. But I must continue to believe Him and trust Him for my future and from my past. He holds both just as real as He holds my present. I cannot focus on my future or ponder my past patterns. I want to learn His lessons and leverage all this for His greater purpose. He is my Shepherd and Rob’s. We are being lead now to places of stillness and resting pastures, though we are separate and single. Rob is sitting and basking in His pasture as am I. I do not want and have confessed any and all self pity… I want the Lord’s pity! I long to fear Him more than image, man, or marriage… and He pities those who fear Him. Fearing the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom… Oh wisdom and discernment was granted that day and needs to be allotted still! I am frail and weary. I am tired and broken. I am hurting and stilled. I am humbled and needy. I am dust. He knows my frame and knows I am nothing but dust. He knows who I need and what I need and when I need it. He knows the sanctification and purification that is taking place and has long needed to in this little girl. Jesus knows I need “all these things” and only He can be the source of those things to me. I am casting my cares and questions upon Him… literally moment by moment… because like Peter said in John, “Lord, to whom else do I have to go?”. There is no other option for me than to run towards and cry on my Father. I cherish and respect Rob’s obedience in driving and saying all he did. I love him dearly. Pray for him. Pray for me. Pray for “us”. He is still one of my best friends, even though we are not sure how that will play out and what that can look like right now.

Pray against loneliness but not against pain. Pray against self pity but not against facing self purging. Pray against despair but not against disappointments. Pray against mental battles and questions but not against memories. Pray for truth to wash me. Pray for wholeness to find me. Pray for continued clothing of strength and dignity as Prov. 31:25 states. I long to laugh and smile at my future… not plan it or fear it. Only a woman that is secure in His love and His plans can let go of all she dreams and all loves and laugh at her future! “For I know the plans I have for you Sarah…declares my Lord.” Thank you for lifting me up and using your mustard seeds of faith to move the mountain ranges of emotions and tribulations ahead. To God be the glory great things He has done and will do and is doing!!!!

I do believe Lord, Help my unbelief! Mark 9:24

“I was brought low and He saved me. Thus far the Lord has helped me.” Blessed be name of the Lord, You give and take away but my heart will choose to say AGAIN blessed be name of the Lord. It is not about my name now or what my married name may be… it never was supposed to be about that.. it has always been about blessing His name. Oh that His name would mean more to me than a diamond ring and a new last name. Please Lord make your name worth more than anything.” He has heard the voice of my supplications as I have cried and meditated upon my bed! The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices and with my song (even sacrifices of praise) I will yet Praise Him!!!!” PS. 116:6; Ps.28:6

He Himself is my Peace. Eph 2:14

Spring Time!

I love the Spring after winter. The Lord is so thoughtful and purposeful in creating the seasons of life in the timeline, He did. I dont think I would apprciate the life of spring as much if it didnt follow the death of winter. The flowers' blooms and smells. The skys' hues and shapes. The earth's colors and growth. My own heart's awakenness to "New Life". I was studying this morning over coffee and came across this verse. "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along. For BE-hold(stay upon; mediate in; grab hard to) the winter is past( the same word for passing through the red sea and over the jordan river; denoting movement and transportation from one to another; disappearance of what is behind and visible direction to what is ahead) and the rain is over and gone. The flowers have already appeared(shown themselves and caused themselves to be seen doing their purpose) in the land; The time has arrived for pruning (singing) the vines.." How precious are those Words. The Bible is so specific and directed in how it teaches and exhorts us. My mind is reminded of Zeph 3:17 as well, "The Lord your God is in your midst; A victorious warrior. He will exult (sing, over joyed with, same word is used to described the excitement and passion of a Groom for his bride) over you with joy, He will be quiet in (renew you) in His love, He will rejoice OVER you with SHOUTS (not whispers) of joy." That warms my heart as this sun does my face. Wow.... I notice that He is in my midst admist spring time. One of His names is the DaySpring of Life... that is so what this season is for me. He is springing up new days for me. He is my Day-spring! I love the spring! Let us forget what has been wintered behind and let us press on into the aroma of new life and spring up as new creations, blooming in their purpose as do the visible flowers.

Two's Company

Sometimes the sweetest moments that spark a smile are the smallest surprises that are otherwise overlooked or excused. I was home this weekend with my family. I had gone upstairs to be domestic...you know, laundry folding, vaccuming, and cleaning the bathroom... the typical critera. I was perched neatly on my knees in front of the dryer surrounded by warm clothes in piles, when my daddy walks up the stairs. I love hearing the movement of people around me. I know I am not alone. We began chatting briefly as we swiftly passed by the "woman's room" where I was folding. Then, as if there was a 6th sense to linger, he stopped and stooped down to me. Without a word, daddy began to fold with me. Unasked, unintentionally uninvited, and unmerited...he just wanted to be with me.The key phrase being "with me".



Things, whether extraordinary or completely average and expected in a given day, take on a surprising and fulfilling element when accomplished "with" another. I then began to teach my dad, who has been my teacher in all life's complexities, the simplicities of properly (according to Martha) folding a T-shirt. He was astonished and adorably amused at the technique and the speed that I was doing his shirts. He wanted to learn. We both were laughing, smiling, and folding those shirts in a matter of seconds. A job that I could do alone and was doing so... just took on a new diminsion. That little unexpected moment in the hallway gave me a smile that went deeper than my face. It was great to teach my teacher something simple yet valuable. It was even more great to see the Teacher in that "two's company" moment. The little normal task became marked with joy that seemed too lofty for such an experience... yet it perfectly folded right into it.

My dad and I proceeded to actually re-organize his entire armoire that night with the new technique that he had never known. It was hilarious! We raced at folding and chuckled at each other. It was a sweet father- daughter bonding moment that milestoned a truth for me. "Two IS better than one" as the Bible states so eloquently. Marriage would not be if it were not but for 2. A child would not be if it were not but for 2. Life is done better and with more fulfillment in EVERY task when it is done by Two. Look for opportunities to be Dependent with, not nessecarily on, someone. Folding laundry and organizing took on a whole new meaning when it was done with my Daddy! Oh that we would not be so pridefully "seperate" and "sufficient" and in turn miss daily surprises that are packaged along with someone. "Enlighten the eyes of my heart, Lord, that I might see You..." (Eph. 1)

Blessed New Year!

Truly, every good and perfect gift comes from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or unreliability. The Lord blessed my family with the awesome opportunity to ski in the New Year in Crested Butte, Colorado. This was an extra special surprising gift, as Crested Butte was the original place my brother and I learned to ski. We had a blast! The weather was crisp and perfect, except for the blizzard on Tuesday. The snow was at least 4 packed feet at the base of the mountain with flurries and flakes during the day. We skied all day and did not have to ski the same run twice. It was exhilarating!

As I skied up and down and tranversed side ways, my mind recalled a spiritual truth. "Wash me, Lord, and I will be whiter than snow." (Ps.51: 7) "Come now, let us reason together, says our Lord, though your sins be like scarlet, they will be (and are) as white as snow." (Is 1:18) I love how simply the Lord talks about such profound topics as salvation and sanctification. He makes the beautiful pictural analogy between our new natures in Christ and the whitest element, snow. As I floated on top of the snow, it glimmered in the sunlight, almost blinding my eyes. It was so white and bright, when it was relflecting the sun. You see, we are most bright and "glorfied" when we are reflecting the purity and glory of the Son! It is amazing, that our Infinite God uses finite things in order to speak to our hearts. My blood demanding scarlet sins were made whiter than snow even, when I first believed in and received Jesus Christ. He is continuing to make us purer and brighter through the "express image of His person"... "for with an unveiled face, as beholding in a mirror, we are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory." (I Cor.3:18) " And "when Christ, who is our life, is revealed, we also will be revealed with Him in glory." (Col. 3:3)



When my profound Father teaches me so simply of His ways as He promises to do in Ps.25, I stand awed. I can never look at or ski in snow the same way again... for just as it is the definition of pure white so am I viewed as whiter still, through the eyes of snow's Creator! Oh how I love Him and His ways with me... May He laden our hearts with lessons like this all year long and sharpen our eyes to find His supernatural in the natural!

The Eve of Surprise

Isnt the element of surprise and wonder amazing.. almost magical. Or shall we say supernatural! It is really the eve of the surprise that is so wonderful... the anticipation, the dreaming, the thoughts that play... God is the Father of this continuing gift of surprise. Life is full of it, love seems to be marked by it, and Christ invented it! Christmas Eve night is the topper of all! It is so glorious and serene feeling. Sipping cider in wine glasses by out fire and letting mom and dad open all their gifts follows our 5 Star steak dinner. Cappy, our precious pup, helps in the unwrapping as he eagerly awaits the next paper to rip or box to grab. There is such simplicity and sweetness to this season. Yet all the tree, tea cups brimming, and tree trappings would not exist had it not been for my sin and my Savior. There is no Birthday party nor Going away party that beats that of Jesus Christ. We celebrate His birth, but we also remember His last supper with His disciples, illuminating the reasons behind the baby in a manager. He came to die that I might live. Oh the wonder of Christmas... the wonder of Him.

A supernatural wonderous joy flows from genuine hearts, and my family is no exception. I am so blessed with the family I call "mine". They are the greatest Christmas gift and yes, surprise. They continue to surprise me through the years, because the older I get the wiser I view them and love them for who they are, not for what they can do for me. The childness that Christmas evokes is healthy and beautiful. I love the traditions and memories that makes all my Christmas stories awe filled! The waffle smells tomorrow morning along side the crackling fire. The perfect set table with coffee mugs and matching plates. The Steve Greene Christmas album ringing loud on the surround sound as our alarm clock tomorrow morning. My brother and I will creep, fully awake, down the stairs just like we did when we were of crawling age, and be greeted with lights, music, and The Gifts! The couch is mine every year gift wrapped itself in presents, and Seth gets the chairs! It is marvelous. The element of surprise as to what is under the shiny and shimmery papers! The element that is in this eve as we await the morning. I love mornings, but Christmas tops them all. As all the wrapping paper paints the floor, gasps fill the room, and hugs mark and unopened gift.... my stunned heart cries every year!

My heart cries "HOLY"... "what am I that You would even let me share the spotlight, by giftings, in the season when this is ALL about You"! My heart cries grattitude and overwhelming humility. How could You love me to provide now but even more so provide over 2000 years ago? Muslims know no exaltation and wonderment. Buddahist speak none of joyful surprises found inside or paralyzing grattitude found outside such a Loving Active Savior. Christianity defines Christmas...declares Christ's reality....describes Life's meaning...depicts love and otherness....and demands attention. And it is the very attention of Christmas that is forcefully exiting people's minds. In certain parts, no carols, no "christmas" break, definitely no "merry christmas", no anything with CHRISTmas...Now, our Christmas is under scrutinzing eyes and unbelieving hearts. However, they will never be able to steal our memories, sabatoge our traditions, or silence The Truth of Christmas! Merry Christmas to all on this Eve..... Let His surprises come great and small! For Truly the greatest Surprise of all came in the Smallest package on an eve in Bethlehem...will we open (up to) Him this year?!

Divine Simplicity

"The mundane little happenings in life mark it with Grace and Glory", has been recorded in my head but found more recently true of my heart! I find Him in the smallest or common overlook...and it fulfills voids that I did not know were present. Practicing His presence admist what others find expected, common, normal, or ordinary...is exactly the secret to never knowing a dull moment.

So..sit back, simmer down, and stew over the Simple: the smell of coffee brewing, a cup of that coffee by a fire, a world of color and changing temperatures, fabrics that all feel different, the ability to design a meal and the gift to eat it, old leather chairs that tell a story, lines in a freshly mowed lawn, chips and dip, vaccuming, slippers,home libraries, candel light in daytime, cheaper gas across the street, King sized comforter on a twin bed,rough skin turned soft with a miracle called chapstick, hardwood floors that echo footsteps of company, the meaning of having a true friend, clocks-they anticipate future fun, snooze button-it prolongs wearied waking, mom's voice, daddy's hug, answered prayer-even giving us our daily bread every day...He really does it, anything puppies-their feet, breath, run, scarfs, big ceral spoons and deep bowls, dishes in general, the perfectly sharpened pencil that never breaks, the first day of life and the last, people watching, the sound of wheels hitting a runway, fireworks, the way the muscles move on top of your hand, hot showers with a cold rinse, biscuits, an old mattress, good feta cheese, cold crisp apple, the first spoonful of peanut butter from a new jar, tummy laughter, chipmunks, handwritten letters, a good massage, blinking, sleeping in a cold house with a heating pad, oversized sweatshirts, the flip flop noise, the sound of typing, seat warmers,the ability to record the random, a new day, the reality that Life is more than the seen...the Extraordinare that we cannot see makes this life's "seeables" glorious....add more to this list as you take note of all that is around you...it is endless, priceless, timeless...it is all simplicity originating from divinity! Fix your hope on "God, who richly supplies us with ALL things to enjoy!" I Tim.6:17